May 3, 1978Church things, everyone wants to be the best or better than someone and I'm always comparing myself with others, and then comes the problem...
*I just came back from a very special meeting (just a Branch meeting but very special). Before that meeting, before I left my room and in other meetings, I have had a very hard time keeping going for the right reasons. I began to feel defensive and self-righteous, but I didn't really know why. IT WAS HARD. I was feeling bad because I hadn't used the time I should on re-passing [memorized discussions] and I felt I had to defend myself for a lot of reasons, and was getting bitter. Thank goodness I was asked to give a prayer for that meeting.
I felt alone, despair and scared - that's how I feel without the Lord with me. So I stepped into the bathroom and it was crowded, so I stepped into a stall and prayed for forgiveness and help. During the prayer, I felt very humble, but of course when it was over so was my humility. After the speakers had each given a discourse on Joseph Smith, they asked three people to bear their testimonies of Joseph Smith (Elder Humphreys, Hermana Olsen, and Elder Chaves). During these [testimonies] I felt very humble as I always do when I hear a testimony, knowing that I don't have the testimony that I want.
I wonder all the time how much of ta testimonty I really have. I don't want to be ungrateful for what I have, if I have what I need, but I either want to know that I know or I need to find out!
At the end of the meeting (we went way over [time]), Elder Owens called on Hermana Brady to bear her testimony. Now, this sister has a strong testimony and that testimony had touched me before, but she was more humble than before and bore her testimony and said she was going to go and pray today for a stronger witness of Joseph Smith. I feel lower than the dust when people bear a stonrg testimony, and I guess that when I am sufficiently humble, the Lord blesses me. Because after that when we started the closing hymn, not expecting anything more, I was touched very much by that hymn - Loor al Prohpeta (Praise to the Man... I don't even understand the words... Next Page
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